In the system

Tym officially started school today. For the next 14 years, ours and her life will revolve around whether she is on spring break, summer vacation, or if it's a P.D day. Gone are the times of "well hell, it's Wed. and I don't feel like working, so let's take a family day and screw off to the park and have a pic-nic". I know she's only 4 and I can still take a play day with her (and I'll be damned if I don't!) but the sense of responsibility is there now. Oh sure it's there for work, but this is different.

I spent the day busy-ing myself in the kitchen cooking, trying not to watch the clock in anticipation of what she might be doing now or how many more minutes till I pick her up from the bus. In the back of my mind I kept re-living the past 4 years. Wondering where they went, and praying that time slows down for this next chapter.

I thought of the mistakes I've made and if I changed tactics soon enough to not have had a lasting impression on her. I thought of the victories, big and small, that she and I have had since her birth. I thought about how she first rolled off the bed at 7 months of age and I thought I was the worst parent on earth. I thought about how she wrapped her arms around me when I had strep throat and kissed my cheek telling me she has magic kisses and I should "feel better in 26 years" - and I thought I was the luckiest parent on earth. I thought about the first night I successfully put her to bed with no tears when she was 13 months old - and I thought I was the best parent on earth.

I thought about how I am still not completely out at work to my clients and how this impacts her. I thought about how I am still very good at being very vague when answering questions about my family/kids. I thought about how I expect her to be solid in her skin and identity when I am still at times not solid in mine. I thought about how I want her to listen and trust what I say to be true, when at times I have told her a lie or two because I couldn't/wouldn't explain something. I thought about her empathy, love and kindness with a touch of quirkiness and wished to all the gods and goddess' that my daughter weaves her way through school successfully, strongly and with her quirkiness intact.