Monday, September 14, 2009

In the system

Tym officially started school today. For the next 14 years, ours and her life will revolve around whether she is on spring break, summer vacation, or if it's a P.D day. Gone are the times of "well hell, it's Wed. and I don't feel like working, so let's take a family day and screw off to the park and have a pic-nic". I know she's only 4 and I can still take a play day with her (and I'll be damned if I don't!) but the sense of responsibility is there now. Oh sure it's there for work, but this is different.

I spent the day busy-ing myself in the kitchen cooking, trying not to watch the clock in anticipation of what she might be doing now or how many more minutes till I pick her up from the bus. In the back of my mind I kept re-living the past 4 years. Wondering where they went, and praying that time slows down for this next chapter.

I thought of the mistakes I've made and if I changed tactics soon enough to not have had a lasting impression on her. I thought of the victories, big and small, that she and I have had since her birth. I thought about how she first rolled off the bed at 7 months of age and I thought I was the worst parent on earth. I thought about how she wrapped her arms around me when I had strep throat and kissed my cheek telling me she has magic kisses and I should "feel better in 26 years" - and I thought I was the luckiest parent on earth. I thought about the first night I successfully put her to bed with no tears when she was 13 months old - and I thought I was the best parent on earth.

I thought about how I am still not completely out at work to my clients and how this impacts her. I thought about how I am still very good at being very vague when answering questions about my family/kids. I thought about how I expect her to be solid in her skin and identity when I am still at times not solid in mine. I thought about how I want her to listen and trust what I say to be true, when at times I have told her a lie or two because I couldn't/wouldn't explain something. I thought about her empathy, love and kindness with a touch of quirkiness and wished to all the gods and goddess' that my daughter weaves her way through school successfully, strongly and with her quirkiness intact.

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